Disappear

2003-10-01
I am watching my sight being enveloped by sounds. There is a deep echo of suction at the end of each heartbeat but my hopes of being sucked in with it are being distorted by the reverberation of telephones, of cars slowly passing by my window and a fear being mirrored as breaths ricocheting out from my lungs. Sooner or later a car will stop. Eventually a door will slam. Hopefully he will bother to knock, but politesse is no longer an issue.

My stare has now become so focused that I can see the pulse in the corners of my eyes beating at the furious rate of my blood. Before my sight goes I see her mouth hovering in front of mine. My face feels her breath pass on me warmly and indifferent. I submissively take my final glances and watch my shirt almost reach up to grab her hair. My body so desperately wants to feel it rest upon it. It�s only the shirt that remains keeping the final walls from crumbling. I wish I had the fortitude to break through them and fell her soft hair fall between my fingers. Instead I allow her to display her courage, as well as her disregard for any interruption or acknowledgement of institutions keeping this from happening.

It�s all pushing me from the inside. There is something within hanging up the phone and locking the door. With her hands up to my cheeks it�s now forcing me to notice between those noises, and around their rhythm, that there are gaps of silence for me to escape through. As if the moments are too overwhelming for sound, and with my eyes closed, I will find it easier to follow their collapse. It is her triumphant will that is showing me images of myself walking through these ruins and crossing the invisible path between our mouths. The heat from her chest on mine has promised only inevitability, and a declaration that there is no crime in our moment because there is nothing left to see. She is making it all go black, and inside her I will disappear.